My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize