just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
