hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
