OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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