He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
