Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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