oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
