You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
