I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
