I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
