How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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