No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
