We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
How does one acquire holy water?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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