Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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