I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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