His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
