I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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