whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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