Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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