The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
