I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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