i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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