I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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