babies were throwing up all over the place
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
