Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
