My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
