my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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