your parents love me but you hate me
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
