My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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