Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
