I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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