I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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