I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
