is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
