I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
