You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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