she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
