just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize