i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
