it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
