I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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