let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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