it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
