im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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