I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
