I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
