im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
