I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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