I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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