Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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