fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Found your dick twin last night
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
