she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
