my sisters under your porch take her home
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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