lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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